Can’t Lose for Winning

CITY OF CHAMPIONS – I went to a holiday house party on Saturday night. It was pretty good but there was a point I decided I wanted to leave. But the people I was with were in no rush to go. Here’s how it went down.

I’m in the Burbs and not Boston! I gotta get to Boston! The boys want to go get some drinks, I decide that I’m definitely going back to Boston. I think I forgot that we were in the Burbs, near nothing, and I had no idea where I was going. Whatever. I pretend to be interested in staying, while waiting for my chance to ditch out.

Everyone goes into the kitchen to mix some drinks up. So I sneak out the back door, classic Ryan move. No way I’m saying goodbye. I look to the skyline, can’t see Boston. Damn it. I pick the direction that I think Boston should be in, and start walking. I’m fully aware that I’m staggering big time. As hard as I try, I can’t walk in a straight line. Not even close. So I start jogging. That lasts about a block, after I trip into a parked car. I remember crossing a little bridge over a river. I see another party with the door open, I think about it for about a minute, then decide the Boston is the right move. If I wanted to go to a party in the Burbs, I would have stayed where I was.

After about 20 minutes, I’m still not finding a main road or the skyline. I decide that I should go back to the the Burbs party. I stop and turn around. But I have no idea where the party is at this point. So now I’m completely screwed. I just keep walking in the direction I was going. In my head, I keep thinking that I’m closer to Boston than I think, and I’m just going to stumble onto Mass Ave any second now. I see my first car in the past half hour. I see street lights. I see a Burger King sign!

I decide I’ll get a Whopper and some chicken tenders, and a cab number. The guy working behind the counter is honestly about 109 years old. He can’t even keep his hands steady enough to pick up the change, and can’t see a foot in front of him. I feel bad. He does get me a cab number though. There are also four guys hanging out in the Burger King, probably in their late 70s, making fun of the cashier for being so old. Good stuff.

I call around in Boston to see what’s going on. By luck, I end up talking to someone who’s heading into the city from the highway. This is perfect. I make plans to take a cab to the highway and he’ll pick me up there. Things are looking up.

So I’m standing in front of the Burger King, in a t-shirt. I realize that I’m really cold, I was too drunk before to notice. I’m stuffing the Whopper down my throat when a cop rolls by. The car pulls a 180 and swings back for me. I just keep eating the Whopper and watch the cop. She rolls down her window.

Cop: “Um, you OK?”

Me: “Yeah, just enjoying my sandwich”.

Cop: “Where you going?”

Me: “Southie”

Cop: “How you getting there?”

Me: “cab”

Cop: “you call one yet?”

Me: “yup, the old guy in BK did”

She stares at me, shakes her head a little bit, mutters ‘whatever’ and drives away. I fling the rest of my Whopper into the street and start working on the tenders. Soon my cab is there.

Cabbie: “Where you going?”
Me: “The highway”

Cabbie: “The highway?? What part??”

Me: “an exit”

He drops me off at an exit near Waltham, my buddy picks me up like 5 seconds later. Well maybe it was a half hour, I don’t know. But it felt real quick. He looks at me, says ’so when did you start drinking?’ I answer honestly. ‘I haven’t stopped since Thursday!’

So we get to a party in Southie. This girl runs up to me and gives me a big hug. I have no idea who she is. I turn to my buddy, right in front of her, and whisper in a very, very loud whisper ‘who is this girl?’

She just laughs. She tells me she was in my grade school class. And all of a sudden I remember her. She was pretty cute in 4th or 5th grade. The party is full of Southie people that I haven’t seen in 10 or 15 years. Old little league buddies, grade school kids, the kid that I stole my first car with. The first girl I kissed. The kid from school who used to poop his pants every week. It’s a really strange feeling, seeing all these people I knew growing up. I kinda wish I was more sober so I could talk to these people more. Again, whatever. I stay here for a couple hours, just dropping beers and hanging out. I’m happy with the way my mystical journey ended up.

We hit another party, not much going on there. Everyone is taking off for another party, but I’m done. I’m about a mile from my house, I go into an all-out sprint for no apparent reason. I think I did about a 5:30 mile. I really have no idea why I did it, it just seemed right at the time. I hit up some leftover chinese food and pass out on the couch.

CITY OF CHAMPIONS – I just graduated college this past summer. And I started my first real job in mid-September. Friday night was my 1^st official holiday party experience. It was so much more than I could have expected. Now I’m not so sure of the details during the party (and I’m afraid to ask my co-workers) but I’ve been filled in on what happened after.

Apparently there was a post party. I remember being at it so that’s all good. Then it’s blank. Until I figure it’s time for me to head home.

I was planning on taking the T but I missed the last one. I’m destroyed and it’s like a $50 cab ride home (I’m making entry level salary). I make my way outside and explain my situation to the foreign bouncers. In other words, I give them my cell phone and tell them to call my mom to pick me up (okay…I live at home too. I’m trying to save some cash up to move out). At the time it felt like the best option.

Foreign Bouncer: Hello, I have your son

My Moms: What? Who is this? Where’s my son? Who are you? Did you kidnap him?

So moms thinks that the foreign bouncer has kidnapped me and is making a ransom call. He finally is able to calm her down and explain what’s up. She agrees to come pick me up. Perfect!

Well…about 5 minutes pass and I guess that I’ve forgotten that moms is coming. Because I find a cab and jump into it. I get all the way home and realize that a car is missing from the driveway. That’s when I remember why. So I call her up and tell her to abort the mission. Too bad she’s already in Boston. My fault. By the time she gets home, I’m already fast asleep. And I don’t get up the next day until about 4:00. I had to hide out in my room for a bit. Not my finest moment. These parties are dangerous!

CITY OF CHAMPIONS (Guest writer from the Big Apple) – Let me tell you first off that Monday holiday parties are the worst ever! Coming in Tuesday morning with a hangover is not fun.

Monday was my company’s holiday party so we had a company sponsored happy hour after work with free food and drinks from 5:30 to 8:30pm. Of course, me being me, I skipped the food and just focused on drinking, which was probably not the best idea considering that I remember feeling extremely tipsy while it was still light outside…this is going to be a long night. Also, I should probably mention that all of the company’s upper management (President, CFO, CEO, Board of Directors, etc.) was there and that we were at an extremely nice venue.

Anyway, towards the end of the happy hour, I began to get a little paranoid so I frantically searched for one of my coworkers that I party with a lot so that I could ask her if I looked drunk. When I finally found her, she told me that she had been looking for me for the same reason. She told me that I looked fine, but now that I think about it, she probably wasn’t the best person to ask considering that she was probably as drunk as me…oh well.

Some coworkers and I were sitting at a table eating and talking one girl starts asking everybody what song best describes them. Personally, I had a few ideas, but I wasn’t going to share them at a work event. She got to me so of course I said that I didn’t know. Then one of my coworkers that I hang out with occasionally said that she knew a good song for me…”I’m not a player, I just crush a lot”…what?!?!!?!? To make it even worse, whenever somebody new came to the table, one girl would ask them what song describes them and then go around the table and tell that person what everybody else’s song was…even when a Vice President in the company and the Director of our department came by…my work image is effectively ruined!!!!

By now it was around 8:30pm and I had obviously had enough to drink so I was kind of glad that the happy hour was ending so that I could get away from my coworkers before I got any worse. Of course, instead of ending the happy hour at 8:30pm, the company decided to extend it to 9pm….probably not a good idea. Of course, instead of drinking water like I should have, several coworkers and I rushed to the bar for more drinks and shots…definitely not a good idea.. By the way, this was definitely not the type of venue where you ordered shots either…they obviously didn’t have shot glasses so 10 of us were huddled by the bar doing shots out of wine glasses…probably not the best career move.

Finally, 9pm arrived and they ended the happy hour…thank goodness. Of course, instead of going home, 9 or 10 of us decided to continue the festivities at another bar…this is where the real story begins. This attractive girl that I have been interested in since I started working in New York came out. Brief history….we email all of the time at work, but don’t really talk that much outside of work…probably because she has a boyfriend and they have been together for like 7 years!!!!!

Anyway, on the car ride to the bar, she was sitting in my lap since we had to squeeze 5 people into the car…not a big deal. Then when we arrived at the bar, we ended up sitting next to each other…probably just a coincidence. Next thing that I knew, we were flirting a little (holding hands, hugging, she was lying on my shoulder, blah, blah…you get the idea), but nothing big. We were all just drinking and talking for awhile at the bar, then a band a came on stage so everybody decided to dance. She and I were dancing when out of the blue, she kissed me…definitely was not expecting that. Then next thing that I knew, we were making out. Luckily, we were kind of away from everybody else so I don’t know if the rest of my coworkers saw any of it, but they probably did. I like to keep this type of stuff hidden from my coworkers…oh well, looks like I failed. Anyway, we ended up staying for awhile and then she went home and I went home and that was that. Definitely a good night and nice to see that my persistence paid off, but considering that she has a man and that we were all pretty destroyed, I’m not really sure if she even remembers what happened, what she is going to say about it, or if she will even bring it up…oh well, I guess that we’ll see and I will definitely keep y’all updated.